Are you ready for some football?

I’ve never seriously followed College Football in the past (U of M has always sucked, plus it’s hard to keep track of college players when the entire roster turns over every 3 to 4 years). However, if I’ve learned anything from Friday Night Lights, it’s that football is king in this here state, and I need to choose a team to hitch my wagon to, if only for sake of conversation around the water cooler. Therefore, I engaged in some in-depth research (read: skimmed some Wikipedia pages) to cull some important facts about potential college teams (my high school team, of course, is the Dillon Panthers; oops, I mean, the East Dillon Giraffes). Here are the candidates; any input from the masses would be greatly appreciated.

University of Texas at Austin: Pros: Players have great football names (e.g. Colt McCoy, Major Applewhite); alma mater of NFL headcases Ricky Williams and Vince Young. Cons: People look dumb when doing that “Hook ‘Em Horns” gesture; essentially the Yankees of Texas college football (oldest program (1893), winningest record (.718)); Matthew McConaughey is a huge fan.

Baylor: Pros: Nickname is the “Baylor Bears,” and I love alliteration; alumni include Mike Singletary, tough-guy player and pants-dropping coach; stadium is within driving distance (Waco). Cons: Has finished 10^th or worse in Big 12 since the conference was formed in 1996.

Texas A&M: Pros: Winners of the historic 1999 Galleryfuniture.com Bowl; Smash Williams was a walk-on. Cons: Not sure what an “Aggie” is; annual fan bonfire killed 12 students in 1999, and team hasn’t had a ranked season since; Smash Williams is (sadly) a fictional character.

Texas Tech: Pros: Holds NCAA record for most punts in a game (39!); once coached by someone named Spike Dykes; 3^rd-highest graduation rate for Division I football players; improving program ranked as high as #2 last season after years of mediocracy. Cons: Lubbock is the armpit of Texas.

Houston: Pros: Broke color barrier for Texas college football (1964); pioneers of the “run & shoot” offense (the brand of offense favored by Texans when startled in the middle of the night) Cons: Houston is sprawlier, smellier, and uglier than Dallas; 8-game bowl losing streak only recently snapped by a win in the 2008 “Armed Forces Bowl.”

Rice: Pros: Really good at having 7-6 and 6-7 seasons (so little risk of outright disappointment); small school compared to others on list (3,051 undergrads). Cons: From Wikipedia: “[The Rice Football] program has been historically mediocre”; see above for related Houston-bashing.

SMU (Southern Methodist University): Pros: “Hometown” team, as it’s the only Division I school in Dallas proper; zealous boosters (see below). Cons: From Wikipedia: “In 1987, SMU football became the first, and currently only, program in collegiate athletic history to receive the NCAA's "Death Penalty", that is, having a sports program terminated for a determined amount of time.” This “death penalty” was due to $61k in booster payments to recruits. Needless to say, quality of play has suffered since (only one winning season in 21 years, 1-11 last year).

TCU (Texas Christian University): Pros: Nickname is the “Horned Frogs”; alma mater of LaDainian Tomlinson. Cons: Plays in non-major division (Mountain West); the only guy I’ve met that went there was a douchebag.

North Texas: Pros: Nickname is “The Mean Green”; Denton has a good music scene. Cons: Really, really bad lately (3-21 in last two years).

UTEP (University of Texas at El Paso): Pros: Umm…“Paydirt Pete” is a good mascot for a team nicknamed the “Miners”? I’m reaching here. Cons: Couldn’t figure out what “UTEP” stood for until I looked it up; El Paso is about as far away as you can get from Dallas and still be in Texas (635 miles/9 hours).

P.S. Tough luck for the Vikings being unable to get Brett "The Wrangler" Favre for this seaon; looks like it will be a spirited QB controversy in training camp between “Ragin’” Sage Rosenfels, Tarvaris “Noodle-Arm” Jackson, and J.D. “J.D.” Booty.