Are you ready for some football?

I’ve never seriously followed College Football in the past (U of M has always sucked, plus it’s hard to keep track of college players when the entire roster turns over every 3 to 4 years). However, if I’ve learned anything from Friday Night Lights, it’s that football is king in this here state, and I need to choose a team to hitch my wagon to, if only for sake of conversation around the water cooler. Therefore, I engaged in some in-depth research (read: skimmed some Wikipedia pages) to cull some important facts about potential college teams (my high school team, of course, is the Dillon Panthers; oops, I mean, the East Dillon Giraffes). Here are the candidates; any input from the masses would be greatly appreciated.

University of Texas at Austin: Pros: Players have great football names (e.g. Colt McCoy, Major Applewhite); alma mater of NFL headcases Ricky Williams and Vince Young. Cons: People look dumb when doing that “Hook ‘Em Horns” gesture; essentially the Yankees of Texas college football (oldest program (1893), winningest record (.718)); Matthew McConaughey is a huge fan.

Baylor: Pros: Nickname is the “Baylor Bears,” and I love alliteration; alumni include Mike Singletary, tough-guy player and pants-dropping coach; stadium is within driving distance (Waco). Cons: Has finished 10^th or worse in Big 12 since the conference was formed in 1996.

Texas A&M: Pros: Winners of the historic 1999 Galleryfuniture.com Bowl; Smash Williams was a walk-on. Cons: Not sure what an “Aggie” is; annual fan bonfire killed 12 students in 1999, and team hasn’t had a ranked season since; Smash Williams is (sadly) a fictional character.

Texas Tech: Pros: Holds NCAA record for most punts in a game (39!); once coached by someone named Spike Dykes; 3^rd-highest graduation rate for Division I football players; improving program ranked as high as #2 last season after years of mediocracy. Cons: Lubbock is the armpit of Texas.

Houston: Pros: Broke color barrier for Texas college football (1964); pioneers of the “run & shoot” offense (the brand of offense favored by Texans when startled in the middle of the night) Cons: Houston is sprawlier, smellier, and uglier than Dallas; 8-game bowl losing streak only recently snapped by a win in the 2008 “Armed Forces Bowl.”

Rice: Pros: Really good at having 7-6 and 6-7 seasons (so little risk of outright disappointment); small school compared to others on list (3,051 undergrads). Cons: From Wikipedia: “[The Rice Football] program has been historically mediocre”; see above for related Houston-bashing.

SMU (Southern Methodist University): Pros: “Hometown” team, as it’s the only Division I school in Dallas proper; zealous boosters (see below). Cons: From Wikipedia: “In 1987, SMU football became the first, and currently only, program in collegiate athletic history to receive the NCAA's "Death Penalty", that is, having a sports program terminated for a determined amount of time.” This “death penalty” was due to $61k in booster payments to recruits. Needless to say, quality of play has suffered since (only one winning season in 21 years, 1-11 last year).

TCU (Texas Christian University): Pros: Nickname is the “Horned Frogs”; alma mater of LaDainian Tomlinson. Cons: Plays in non-major division (Mountain West); the only guy I’ve met that went there was a douchebag.

North Texas: Pros: Nickname is “The Mean Green”; Denton has a good music scene. Cons: Really, really bad lately (3-21 in last two years).

UTEP (University of Texas at El Paso): Pros: Umm…“Paydirt Pete” is a good mascot for a team nicknamed the “Miners”? I’m reaching here. Cons: Couldn’t figure out what “UTEP” stood for until I looked it up; El Paso is about as far away as you can get from Dallas and still be in Texas (635 miles/9 hours).

P.S. Tough luck for the Vikings being unable to get Brett "The Wrangler" Favre for this seaon; looks like it will be a spirited QB controversy in training camp between “Ragin’” Sage Rosenfels, Tarvaris “Noodle-Arm” Jackson, and J.D. “J.D.” Booty.

So very hot...

It’s been hot here. So very hot. I survived the past six summers without conditioned air, but wow, you definitely need it here. It’s not the daytime temps that force my hand, either, though it’s regularly hit triple-digits the past two weeks; it’s that it never gets cool enough at night to open windows and cool off. The other night it was still 92 degrees at midnight! I’m kind of petrified to see my electricity bill for this month.

Oh yeah, and another thing: my electric company has been adding $7 surcharges on my last few bills because I haven’t been using enough electricity! Only in Texas. If this month, even after my copious air conditioning use, I still don’t meet their threshold, I’m going to call up and ask for tips on how to use more electricity. Running an empty dryer? 24-hour TV viewing? All-halogen light fixtures?

I’ll say one thing about this state: great bumper stickers on pickups. Some of my favorites: “Keep Houston Ugly”; “Keep Honking, I’m Reloading” paired with an NRA logo; and “Don’t Tread on Me” paired with “Right-Wing Extremist.”

Since I’m taking a scatter-shot approach to posting today, I want to highlight how crappy the public transportation is here. The “DART” is not only the only bus and rail system I’ve been on that posts, in addition to “no eating” and “no loud music,” signs stating “no gambling or games of chance.” Sadly, these signs have failed to dissuade DART patrons from playing both dice and dominos for cash on recent trips (though, sadly, no three-card-monte).

DART officials are constantly whining in the news about declining revenue, yet after dozens of trips I’ve yet to see anyone checking tickets on the light-rail. Instead, they seem content to refill their coffers by ticketing anyone and everyone who jaywalks across the downtown tracks, even with no trains visible for six blocks either way.

I once made the mistake of crossing against the red, and halfway across noticed two DART workers on the other side of the street pointing at me and beginning to reach for their ticket pad. Thinking quickly, I craned my neck, put on my best “where is that gosh-darn train I’m waiting for” face, and, shaking my head, turned and walked back to the sidewalk. It was Oscar-worthy, and saved me $80.

At least there are two more light-rail lines in the works by 2010, barring an all-too-possible financial collapse. It would be awesome to get to the parking-scarce Deep Ellum and Fair Park areas by train. Still, these new lines won’t solve the problem of not being able to get from the world’s sixth-busiest airport to downtown Dallas in under ninety minutes (shuttle-to-shuttle-to-train-to-light-rail. Stupid Irving NIMBYs.).