Notes from the Underground

I’ve never lived and/or worked in downtown Minneapolis, but I nonetheless have always loved its skyway system, even as a kid. It’s great being able to get from point A to point B without having to go outside more than you have to in subzero weather, and I suspect this goes double if you’re a business-y person in business-y attire and can’t get slush on your business-y pant legs. Also, it at least always seemed to me that there’s a pretty decent mixture of food courts, little shops, and other aesthetic touches that make it seem like a system.

Toronto has an underground tunnel system that's similar, only it’s underground. If anything, it’s even better because, in addition to the dozens of Tim Hortons, there are entire multi-story malls underneath the downtown. The drawback to being underground is the lack of above-ground structures to give you some kind of orientation, but I remember a pretty good map system that incorporated an overlay of the streets above.

So, when I moved to, and began working in, downtown Dallas, I was excited to find out there was a tunnel system under downtown that people used to keep cool in the 100-degree, 90-percent-humidity summers (already 90- and 90- today, yuck!). Yet it turns out that I’d romanticized the whole thing. Don’t get me wrong, the tunnels (eventually) served their purpose; I figured out how to get from my apartment to work (0.8 miles) with only about 50 feet of outside-ness. It’s just that the tunnels are completely unappealing.

It’s not bad enough that about 75% of the tunnels recall the unmarked beige doors in the back catacombs of a shopping mall, or the grey unpainted stucco of a bomb shelter. And I can handle the fact that there is little-to-no signage as to where you are and where to head (trial and error has so far led to dead ends at locked doors, hotel lobbies, and at least broken escalator with a scary-looking hole). I just can’t believe that, for all the room for tunnel storefronts, developed and undeveloped, the only businesses seem to be a sad-looking gym, a sadder-looking, over-priced convenience store, two Starbucks (“the crappy one” and “the good one”), and about two dozen Quiznos.

Besides the afternoon I used to first explore them, I’ve used the tunnels four times to get to work on rainy days. It is the fucking worst way to start a work day. It’s smelly, everything’s gray, weird side tunnels that I notice and want to check out, but never lead to anything cool. I will probably start walking outside even during rainy days.

And the thing is, there’s tons of space there for something really cool. A mini-golf course, maybe, or a bowling alley. Maybe a bar or something. At least put some color down there, so I don’t feel like I’m walking through the world’s largest parking garage.